Recently or more like the last week I have been reminded of what a beast grief is in my life. I work with it in the lives of others but when it comes to my door it just is argh, whew, OMG!
I know the lingo and the proper things to say! I know what my brain should do but when my heart gets involved it is a whole other story. Those 18 inches seem like well like worlds away or even at times like there is no connection. One writer shared nothing like grief to make one more self absorbed and selfish. What harsh thing to say but gosh is it true! One is so me centered despite ones best efforts even in a loving relationship.
I say it is a beast because when it takes over you cannot help yourself almost it really is ugly. If its sad, mad, angry or who knows what it is extreme and no one is ready for what they see sometimes even you. I think that is why it is so extreme you just lost something you really loved or wanted for so long and now it is gone. Now like it or not you are no longer the same!!!
I just realize that I am not who I was. Nor do I know but some of it is medical stuff but some of it is because I really just grew up! It is amazing how much I changed. At 5 grandpa died, was abused since then on, somewhere around 7 I think Richie came around but left when I was 13/14. Lost my son at 14. Finally came home at 15 was treated like the plague ever since then and thought that was why I never saw a lot of my family. Everyone thought I spent a month in the hospital for asthma not losing a baby and almost dying. I went through so much after that but all I did was become bottled up because I could not talk to anyone.
Grief comes in ebbs and flows, even the memories like right now. Instead of trying to control it, it is better to let it go. Let the rush of waves take you where it may but to many of us are afraid. God be with us and this beast of Grief. Find that someone, find support, don’t ignore it, don’t have it sneak out. The storm will come and when it does let it have its way or it will find you at the worst time!